Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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