I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
