Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
