do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
