After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
