Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
