I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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