I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
