My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
