Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
