Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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