Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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