Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
