You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
