This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
