there's paper in my vomit.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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