Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So much rum. So many feels.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
