I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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