dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
