I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
