i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
