Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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