i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
