My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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