I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
