my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
