my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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