He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Randomize
