this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
