Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
