I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
