I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
