I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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