you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
