She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
