Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Found the puke drawer
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
