Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
