I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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