it's not cheating when I paid for it
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
