I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
