Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize