Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
