My underwear smells like fireworks.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
