he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
