I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
