maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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