Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize