if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
