the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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