We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
