its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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