There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
