You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
