Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
