I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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