My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
