the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
