I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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