I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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