Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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