i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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