I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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