I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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