I wish I only lived at night.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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