I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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