Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize