I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
